Choosing to see the beauty within.
How can I see the light in others but not within me? How can I see the beauty in all these glowing radiant pregnant women but not within myself? Why is it as women we can see so much beauty and light in others, but all we do within ourselves is judge, compare and nitpick about our bodies and self-image. We seriously are quite cray-cray us women.
Pregnancy has brought this up on a whole other level for me. During Trimester 2 more than any I had so much self-conscious body issues come up. I didn’t even realize I still had so much to use a word “work” to do around this. I still had so many layers to peel back of conditioning and stories I had been told and believed in. I had to do some serious self-love, unraveling and shredding to get back to a point of self-acceptance so I could start to embrace and see this beautiful change unfolding within me.
“Off all freaking times, you can and should fully embrace the changes going on, why do we, I women push it aside and choose to see the hardening around it, instead of embracing the beautiful life growing change happening within?”
You see society I think has a HUGE role in this and the huge amount of social media we have access too. We see other pregnant or not pregnant ladies and think OMG if only I could have their ass, boobs, pregnant body, post pregnant body etc. We feed ourselves on this shit and are all GUILTY of it on some level. The blame though I know and admit can not be fully if at all placed externally because it is up to us to look within and love and accept ourselves wholeheartedly. Sure if we’re not going to do it, then who will?
I found it really hard and challenging for quite a bit of trimester 2 to really see the beautiful light and beauty growing and changing within me? Every item of clothing seemed to be getting tighter and uncomfy, more veins starting forming on my legs and this belly just started to grow. Heart wise I could feel and sense and breathe in the beauty, but fuck my ego was strong and persistent and really didn’t want me to surrender to this. You see years of conditioning and patterning and belief systems had me stuck, contracted.
As the weather got warmer and I had to start wearing less clothing and show of my belly and get my veiny legs out, man oh man did some crazy negative self-chatter come up. Talk about contraction and staying stuck in a negative mindset. I went for a walk one beautiful sunny morning and sat and meditated and thought to myself if this was and will be my child and this stuff comes up for him or her, what advice would I offer and share? Then the penny really dropped if I am not embodying and living this then how will I and can I be a role model for this little one. So much of what we have within is genetic years of hearing the same stories via family or media around food, weight, diet, body image etc. It’s innate in us. One thing I really want to work on with my little soul soon to be earthside is dropping these limiting beliefs and teaching this kid to LOVE its self un-fucking conditionally. All that other shit really is surface deep, what matters comes from way deeper within.
So came in the surrender agenda. Surrendering to the fact that I have no control at this point in my life growing a baby on what and how my body will grow and change and shift. I surrendered to the fact that I may never ever get this beautiful life changing experience back and that really seriously am I going to waste this time staying in fucking fear and wasting away golden moments, using pregnancy as a burden or can I embrace the glorious body changes, choose more fullness and move into a place of love and enjoyment for one of the most magical times of my life.
I believe that we learn so much more from our darkest shittiest hours and moments as that where there is an opportunity to let the light come in. So I know now in this last trimester that I won’t get these moments back, me and Tim won’t get these moments back, we will get to create magical new ones filled with so much more love and joy and so whilst I am at this stage and in this moment I need to remind myself to fully LOVE it, these last days, weeks, moments and be present to the beauty and light that is always there, it really is up to me to open my eyes, breathe it in, soak it all up and savour these beautiful magical times.